This is only my third post this month. The “new car smell” of work is starting to wear off. I have to focus on keeping my job and nothing else. Sometimes I get carried away with aspirations. I help the new VP of finance get logged in. He is not even 40 although his balding head makes him seem older. I think that may have affected me. How pitiful. The house in AZ sold. We will soon have $170K in the bank with a $200K loan outstanding on mom’s house. Hmmm. Not quite equal that. We are going to use part of the money to get another house and then gamble the rest in the stock market. We may lose it all. As long as I have a job we will be OK. I need to keep my job. That needs to be all I care about. I do get in before my boss and I leave after he does. I think I just need to add that during the hours that he is here that I do nothing but work. I get distracted, bored, or I just feel like I need a break. I browse the web or like yesterday I do my taxes. I need to do better. I need to keep my job. Odd that I am at work 12+ hours a day and I do not feel like I am doing enough. Acceleration is all we sense.

We got into AZ about 230 in the morning on Saturday. We had planned on going on a hike, but then we just didn’t get going. The kids all made plans and were off to their friends pretty quickly. I think McKala misses her friends the most. She even proposed that she be allowed to come back and stay in AZ for her Senior year of highschool. She knew we would never agree to that even though she turns 18 next month. We weren’t that thrilled with her friends. They were ok, but… She definitely is feeling the loss in CA. It is interesting because of the “Autism” tag I would think that those relationships would not be meaningful to her. They are. What IS Autism? We went to Miranda’s play. “Children of Eden” It was odd. There were parts I really liked. I was amazed how much talent there was at the local community college. It was still a community college play. Adam had inadvertent unexplained tattoos. Couldn’t they put makeup on him? Oh well. It was a little sacrilegious  God seemed petty, angry, and flawed. It would be interesting to tell the story without God being flawed. Jarom, Tara (I miss them) and Veda came to the play. They didn’t come with us to Denny’s afterwards. I liked sitting with the family eating breakfast food at midnight. It was absolutely lovely. I love this family. It isn’t complete without Eric and Kendra, but it is very full. Church isn’t until 1130. Kim is right I should have done “priesthood interviews”. I didn’t Yesterday Kim and I went to Lowe’s after we dropped all the kids off. I was so sleepy that i got a scooter cart at the store. We bought some potting soil and some flowers and planted them in the front of the yard. I am glad we did it. It cost us $50 and I doubt it will help sell the house, but you never know. I pushed through nap time but not enough to pull all the weeds in the yard. Rock yards are harder to maintain than lawns. We spent too much money this week. With our budgeting we may have to eat Top Ramen all week. Kim’s budget doesn’t include gas but we spent a lot of going out and the tickets ($12!) and other things. Well it is time to go to church, then a potluck at the Mitchell’s (DRAMA!) then on the road again.

I caught two accidents yesterday. One coming into work and another going home. Therefore I was on the road for 4 hours yesterday. Not a real productive use of my time, but they paid me and we can put food on the table. So there you have it. Dakota wanted me home last night and I could have left a lot earlier but I am leaving early today and so I thought it prudent to stay late. I should have gone home early. I accomplished very little in staying late. I want to be more focused at work. My emphasis has been on working longer than everyone else. I am hoping at some point that I am not just trying to keep my job. That is my attitude. And unfortunately working 11 or 12 hour days is the easiest most visible way to prove my worth. Eventually I want to move into the next phase which is actually doing significant things. Not that I have not been appreciated or that I haven’t done anything. I have been praised for what people see as a positive change, but that is due in part to that fact that if I am here 12 hours I probably am going to get something done. I do not have a lot of confidence in my staying power. I could easily be dismissed tomorrow. So my second goal is to make sure I create the experience that will allow me to leave with propulsion. The eventual hiring of a CFO (something that unnecessarily and strangely bothers me) is in the way of that. I can sweep the floors as long as they keep paying me. I do not need any more money. I need security and a backup plan. Hang in there and don’t sacrifice your family too much.

I am still getting a little used to journaling here. Should I make small entries by categories or one entry with several tags. I don’t know. So I will try the several entries for a little while. One thing I like about the several entries is that the categories remind me to think about other things. For example 100 books before I die reminds me that I need to get a book to read. I don’t know when I would do that, maybe books on tape for my long commute makes sense. But by having the category I am reminded to at least think about it. So this is just my personal thoughts and journal.

I took McKala and Xenia to seminary today. It then took me 2 hours to get to work. I enjoyed the podcasts I had, but that 2 hours is long. I can do it in an hour if I leave at 530. I am a little slow at work today. I do have some things I could work on, but I am not motivated. I call Kim several times during the day just to have some company. We found out that Miranda got into BYU – Provo. That is what she wanted so we are all very happy. Eric called me last night and asked for some advice on what to say to Ernst and Young about his C+ last semester. He must be sweating. I am glad he felt comfortable telling me. I hope he still has the job and is in LA at the end of this year. Miranda’s friend Alicia ran away from home yesterday. Miranda is mad because Alicia did not confide in her at all. Her friend David said it was because Miranda would tell her she was insane. Miranda asked if we could take her back to CA with us. Kim said yes. Where are we going to put her? In a bunk bed with the kids? Interesting. I can’t imagine that she will come. She ran away to be with a boy and coming to CA does not let her be with him. I am ready to have our own place. Of course we have to sell our current house. One of our goals this weekend is to gussy up the house a little.

I listened to a podcast from This American Life. I was overwhelmed by the grief I felt. The story was about Harper HS in Chicago. The life that these kids had to live was terrible. The next podcast was from General Conference where the choir sang “I am a child of God” The contrast really hit me. I am still feeling it. We watched a church video “Mountains to Climb” Excellent video. We were all crying. I want to explain to the kids that emotions are a sense that the Holy Ghost will use, but it is not used exclusively by the Holy Ghost. One of the inoculations I want to inject. Does that make sense?

I gave my talk on Sunday. I feel really good about it. Now it is done. I feel a sense of relief. I don’t know what pressure I was unknowingly feeling, but I do feel a sense of relief. Of course that just leaves room for trouble. That may be Dakota feeling overwhelmed by school. Kim thinks she is really struggling. I need to figure out how to help her. McKala is trying to find her place too. I prefered the troubles of unemployment being upon me rather than having our kids struggle, but it is not always my choice to make.

I feel like cruising at work. Let’s see how today goes. It is an eating day and I feel obligated to fill it

It has been four days since I last wrote. I am at work, but I am emotionally done. I am not disliking work, but I have put in a lot of hours and I feel like I have done enough. I was here until past 8PM and then back at 7AM. I was supposed to write about my experience with praying for service opportunities. I really haven’t had much. The opportunities are or were all small. Maybe that is the point. I don’t know what I am going to talk about on Sunday. Going back to work. Fernando asked that Julia and I, really Julia, define who can be the go-to developer for our NetSuite implementation. Because I have heard Fernando talk about it I got with Julia and suggested Davit in order to establish job security. I think Julia was taken back by my motivation to create job security. It is how I think. It is in my DNA. I guess I could never be a Nate (founder of Sonic).  Ok I don’t have a lot more to say.

No posting on Sunday. I am already back at work. Have less hope than I did last week that my little experiment will tell me anything. I did pray that I might be inspired to serving someone, but after a weekend of no bites my faith has diminished. I took a big nap yesterday, but it was so hard to get up this morning. I was very disappointed at my weight, but I soldier on and today is another non-eating day. I can do better. I stayed up late watching Downton Abbey. The season is over now, so maybe Mondays will be a little easier. We went to bed after midnight and I was up and out the door by 530. I like work, but not that much. In fact once I got in I laid back and closed my eyes. The idea of working was and is more exciting than the actual working. Now that I am here with the whole of things to do sitting before me, I am less enthusiastic. Sunday they called me to work with YM. I like that I will be working with CK. I see that I am going to have to leave at 5PM on Mondays (FHE) Wednesday (YM) and earlier on Fridays (SCOUTS). And that is where I settle in on the work. I have taken on a little more than I can handle. I mean I really should just be managing other people’s task and as long as they are busy I should sit back. But I have sort of taken on some new project definitions and all of reporting. In addition Fernando is always throwing tasks at me, some of which are soon forgotten. I am babbling on about work, yech. I am done